i evolved to love your voice

and i’m sincere but i am not

serious though i definitely do

say this, aloud, alone, with a

palm tree behind both my eyes

and a hand  full of   volcanic soap

•   April 

this picture is just a reassurance to myself that yes grace you can get inspiration without electronic distractions. the intimacy between pen and paper still exists. both of their doctors increased their Wellbutrin dose

•   January 

I want to understand the differences between

• happiness
• contentment 
• amusement
• frustration
• bliss
• an orgasm
• and what I feel while I’m listening to a Kanye West song

when I really want to date someone
I wonder if they would let me listen to Ella Fitzgerald in the kitchen

even though i have
no idea why
I’d even be there
in the first place

•   January   •  1 note

i’m a big time baby. i’m the opposite of a fearless baby. i’m like a ghost that wants to be a sneezing panda or something cute?

my face wants to eat your face. all the time.

my hands are cold. im making fists and blowing hot gross air from my lungs into them

i stopped using twitter awhile ago because it made me really mad. i’m dumb. i say i’m dumb a lot. it’s dumb.

i feel obligated to tell you that over the last few months anytime i have gotten high and been near a laptop, i have opened a word document titled “oh fuck” which is essentially a word doc in which i write weird ass thoughts when i’m pretty dang high. they aren’t in chronological order which i kind of regret because i would have liked to see that

the document got long enough and i think i needed to end it. so if you click “read more”, you can read the rest. 

Read More

•   January 

here are some of my favorite things to feel. some for now and some forever:

• being cold and awake and the wind is whipping at your face

• how time doesn’t seem to exist when you’re waking up next to a person that you really really like, and you just roll around quietly in bed together and sometimes open your eyes. these are probably the longest moments of my winter

• taking an extremely hot shower and being warm all over. 

• standing naked in your bathroom full of hot steam before opening the door to the cold part of your house

• finally, after 3 years, being able to listen to choral music without crying

• talking all night long

• walking outside in the winter with someone and forgetting that you are freezing because your brain is warm when you’re with them

• being alone sometimes, but never lonely.

• everything about wet grass in summer and cold grass at night when it’s time to look at the stars

• singing loudly in the car, especially at red lights. forgetting that windows work so that people can see inside the car

• when i am sitting in the theatre at UCB and i am alone and i can’t stop smiling and i feel like I have to be standing or kneeling on a pew, because sitting doesn’t seem right. then the intro music for the team plays and i begin worshipping 

•   January 

it’s a cliche to want what you can’t have which is why that’s annoying. also annoying that i find Sorkin-esque repartee so attractive. 

i like walking around the lower east side by myself and feeling awkward when I have to take the F train to brooklyn. i have no idea why but it makes me feel good.

i’m afraid if anyone even slightly dislikes me, but at the same time i never feel eager to please.

I keep wondering if the guy at the Bean was flirting or just being nice to me because i was a customer. He had 2 nose piercings and liked Nirvana, two things that are semi dealbreakers but I just keep wondering if he dug me or was just a really good waiter. i don’t think I know how to respond to flirting. I think i responded by blushing and then dropping my coins all over the floor.

Last year in Tompkins Square Park, Matt and i sat in a park drinking cider and talking about where we wanted to go in the world, what we wanted to do. I told him my thing about being in love with churches. I told him about my need to visit the the most beautiful churches in the world.

I’ve done it a thousand times, but when I leave Matt’s apartment and turn left and see the cathedral of St John, I swoon a little bit. It is so much bigger than all the buildings around it. It hovers and haunts. It encases his block like the Domed Cities that people in the 1800s thought would happening in future.

we watched all the squirrels running around in the park. Matt is great. It’s very familial with him. like a brother who makes me laugh so hard at dinner that milk comes out my nose. i like inside jokes a lot. think i am secretly funny. not sure. maybe not

constantly have jay-z lyrics stuck in my head, currently: “life is but a dream to me/ gunshots sing to me/ These other guys with lullabies don’t mean a thing to me.”  comparing gunshots to music and other rappers’ songs to “lullabies”. somehow i always read something meaningful into really stupid rap lyrics

ps. I doubt that EVERYONE was kung-fu fighting, some people were probably masturbating or walking their dogs at the time

•   January 

i want to live in the snack food section of your dreams

•   January 

if I had to describe to an eleven year old what it is like to be me

I get to drive a car, which is fun for like the first week and then it sucks. I don’t have to go to school if I don’t feel like it and I can eat as much shitty food as I want. But i’m old enough to go to the gym to punish myself. I have boobs, which are only fun sometimes. If you feel alienated from your peer group now, you will probably still feel that way when you’re 20. And if you’ve never had a definite peer group you belong to, you probably never will. I can lend you some really good books about alienated people if you want but for now please read Harry Potter because it will be good for you. 20 year olds also spend a lot of time thinking about/interacting with other people’s genitals, which will make more sense to you in a few years. And you know how you want candy all the time even though it makes you feel sick? 20 year olds are like that too, but with alcohol or drugs. Not all 20 year olds though, because I still really love skittles more than most things.

•   January 

this weekend you met me on the corner of 4th and ave A and we greeted each other clumsily, stumbling over greetings, a hug or no hug, we thought, and then you kissed me on the cheek because your mouth was sure that was the right thing to do. my face got hot, but it was because i was angry you did that. we walked into a starbucks, i won’t forget the way you held the door open for me, i remember that family sitting along the counter. i don’t remember what we ordered but there was snow outside which I love. The hot drink in my gloved hands most definitely involved a little white mocha. In January New York is a newly born snowfall and the windows are still lit up even though it’s not christmas. In the shop we walked in they play jazz, the cymbals crashing gently against my brain. “i dont believe in heaven, but if it did exist I think it will be a snow globe” i remember thinking while we walked. Your heart was heated and your bare hands were cold and my leather gloves were hot from my drink but my heart is frigid when I think of you. i knew you knew and you knew i knew

•   January 

•   January 

This is a blog that I have been neglecting due to my fear of writing words for other human beings to see. Even though there is really no way anyone can see this blog unless I give them the link. It’s Christmas today. I think if I end up going to hell, it will just be me doing puzzles with my mom. I promise I will soon write more. Please don’t give up on me.

•   January